Monday, May 07, 2007

Insomnia...

It's 3:00am. I'm sitting here composing for my silly little blog instead of sleeping, and I'm thinking about four things.

First, why are there so many homeschooling bloggers brimming with confidence when there are so many homeschoolers like myself who find themselves lacking in this area? Are people faking it? Are they deliberately not writing about the feelings of incompetence, doubt and disappointment because of some kind of denial? Are they afraid others will see them as bad mothers/teachers/people because they confess to some humanity? Or am I really in a teeny little minority and possibly AM a bad mother/teacher/person because I have these feelings when most people don't? And holy crap, am I depressing other people with my shortcomings?

Second, why can't I find a hobby I'm passionate about? Other people are passionate about things. I try new stuff all the time and I'm always excited about it. Of course I am, it's new and full of possibilities. Then I get bored and pick a new hobby. I still enjoy all the things I started: sewing, crocheting, knitting, gardening, etc., I'm just not passionate about them. And I really want to be passionate about something.

Third, how in the hell am I going to get everything together for the kids' portfolios that have to be turned in just a couple of weeks from now? My copier won't work because it's a Lexmark, and apparently that company is more concerned about selling printers than they are about whether those printers are compatible with the computer they're attached to. It will print, but it won't scan or copy, and I need about 3000 copies for my portfolios. Some of those copies will be from textbooks and novels, so that rules out Kinkos. I'm moving into full panic mode on these damn porfolios now.

Fourth, and probably most important of all, why is my whole family sleeping peacefully while I'm sitting up at 3:00am wondering/worrying about all this crap? Why won't my (lightly used) brain shut the hell up for long enough to go to sleep? They're all in there dreaming away about fuzzy little animals or floating boats in the stream or something, and I'm not dreaming at all. I don't care if I dream all night about being buried in yarn I've never used or frantically driving from one copy center to another, as long as I can GET to sleep to dream it. This lack of sleep leaves me groggy and grumpy and pessimistic (can you tell? Ha!).

Back to toss and turn for another three hours until the alarm goes off.

3 comments:

kitten_mc said...

Sweet You are not the only one out there spazzing and not sleeping well. I was starting to think the same way you are till I read your post. Thanks for posting.
I'm also like you when it comes to a hobby, I can't seem to stick with just one that keeps me interested except doing more for others than I do my self.
Keep your chin up and I know you will make it. You are not alone.
kitten

Frankie said...

People blog about the good and happy. On occasion, I've blogged about something negative and I've also heard about it from friends. I do worry -- I think we all do. I often wonder just *who* is reading my blog, so I don't voice fears too often.

Secondly, I am passionate about learning new things. Perhaps that's your passion -- the process itself. I get bored with stuff, too.

Thirdly, I hate my Lexmark printer. A couple years ago I bought an HP 1200-something. It will copy without being hooked up to a computer. You can pick one up for around $85.

Fourthly, my insomnia answer is Ambien. My best friend.

Finally, you are not depressing other people at all. You're just more honest than some of us -- which I find very refreshing.

Robinella said...

I am desperately trying to locate a poem (anon, of course) that talks about this very thing. You're looking at her and wondering how she keeps it all together and she's looking at you and hoping she's keeping up the front because she's really lonely and wondering how you keep it all together. I'll be posting about this shortly.

We've all been in this boat. My suggestion, give your kids the CAT from seton.com. You know what they are learning and what they know. The state doesn't need anymore than that. Unless you can't use this kind of testing for your state and then.. I am so sorry that you can't. The jerks.

I'm a hobby jumper too, so can't help you there, except I just KNOW that when my kids are grown, I'll have more time and I'll probably finish all those projects!

I hope you sleep better tonight.