It's 3:00am. I'm sitting here composing for my silly little blog instead of sleeping, and I'm thinking about four things.
First, why are there so many homeschooling bloggers brimming with confidence when there are so many homeschoolers like myself who find themselves lacking in this area? Are people faking it? Are they deliberately not writing about the feelings of incompetence, doubt and disappointment because of some kind of denial? Are they afraid others will see them as bad mothers/teachers/people because they confess to some humanity? Or am I really in a teeny little minority and possibly AM a bad mother/teacher/person because I have these feelings when most people don't? And holy crap, am I depressing other people with my shortcomings?
Second, why can't I find a hobby I'm passionate about? Other people are passionate about things. I try new stuff all the time and I'm always excited about it. Of course I am, it's new and full of possibilities. Then I get bored and pick a new hobby. I still enjoy all the things I started: sewing, crocheting, knitting, gardening, etc., I'm just not passionate about them. And I really want to be passionate about something.
Third, how in the hell am I going to get everything together for the kids' portfolios that have to be turned in just a couple of weeks from now? My copier won't work because it's a Lexmark, and apparently that company is more concerned about selling printers than they are about whether those printers are compatible with the computer they're attached to. It will print, but it won't scan or copy, and I need about 3000 copies for my portfolios. Some of those copies will be from textbooks and novels, so that rules out Kinkos. I'm moving into full panic mode on these damn porfolios now.
Fourth, and probably most important of all, why is my whole family sleeping peacefully while I'm sitting up at 3:00am wondering/worrying about all this crap? Why won't my (lightly used) brain shut the hell up for long enough to go to sleep? They're all in there dreaming away about fuzzy little animals or floating boats in the stream or something, and I'm not dreaming at all. I don't care if I dream all night about being buried in yarn I've never used or frantically driving from one copy center to another, as long as I can GET to sleep to dream it. This lack of sleep leaves me groggy and grumpy and pessimistic (can you tell? Ha!).
Back to toss and turn for another three hours until the alarm goes off.